Thanks v No Thanks

Posted by Adam Hart November 30, 2008 at 12:34 am

In this spin off of the wildly popular “Awesome vs. Not-Awesome” series, I reflect on the Thanksgiving holiday, which has given me new perspective on things for which I am thankful. Or reverse thankful.

Thanks
My family, which for the most part all lives in Southern New England. After turkey dinner, everyone stopped by my house to play games. Apples to Apples, Partini and Quelf (probably the best of them all) were our games of choice. Sometimes it’s just nice to sit around and have some laughs. Good, clean, inappropriate laughs.

Now that I think about it, it’s not nice to brag about having a close family. So, if no one who loves you, do what most in your situation do — go on the internet. No, not on eHarmony. It’s YouCharades.com that offers lonely people the opportunity to participate in some fun games around the holiday season.

I’ve never used eHarmony, personally. But I once visited Acadia National Park in Maine, where I saw a car that had “JUST MARRIED” written on its back window. And then underneath in letters of the same size “THANKS eHARMONY!!!”. It’s nice to see people use technology to better their lives. Unless it was a hoax put on by Dr. Neil Clark Warren and his grassroots advertising campaign.  Then it’s just plain old trickery.

No Thanks
Terrorists in Mumbai. It was supposed to be a nice Thanksgiving. But nooooo. You guys had to kill a bunch of people. Next time — before you do anything insane — just remember: your daddy loves you. So instead of taking out your rage on innocent people, find your dad and give him a hug. Or have him take you out for some ice cream. Jerks.

Thanks
Viviana Hurtado. There’s not better way to kick off a day of work than with a Vivi Hurtado news package.

With the amount of fawning I do over her, I doubt I’d ever get hired by ABC News. WANTED: For Creepiness signs most likely cover the walls of their Washington, D.C. bureau.

No Thanks
GPS. I was driving in to work at 4am on Black Friday, and was shocked — cars were actually on the road. Usually it’s me, plus two drivers who are in search of a 24-hour gas station to fill their cigarette fix. Not this day. I get stuck behind a giant SUV, which is tentatively making turns, following the GPS lady’s exact directions — to get to an early bird sale. These were all local roads. If this person didn’t know how to get to Target by now, he/she should have just stayed home. Guys like me are on tight driving schedules. The slightest delay is the difference between showing up 5 minutes early or missing Latoyia Edwards’s first “live shot”. So let’s turn those GPS machines off, and just drive. You’ll run into a Target eventually. It’s inevitable.

Thanks
Chocolate pudding pie with graham cracker crust. If there is a better dessert in this world, it’s clearly illegal in America, because I’ve never had it.

Thanks
Being able to say “gobble gobble”. It’s fun.

WINNER: Thanks, by a landslide. The holiday is name after it, don’t forget.