Running With the Bolts

Posted by Adam Hart October 12, 2008 at 8:45 pm

It is Week 6 in the NFL season. I am tired from staying at work for hours after last night’s Red Sox game. I am tired of posting the same political campaign speeches to NECN.com. But I’m not too tired to watch the Patriots turn the lights out!

Yeah, let’s do this ladies and gentlemen! …But mostly the ladies.

Before we start, I just want you to know that in my fantasy football matchup, I head into tonight’s game up 4 points on my opponent. We each have one player remaining — Randy Moss for me and Wes Welker for him. My bias is sure to show it’s beautiful, shining face.

First Half
8:23 Andrea Kraemer informs us that Laurence Maroney and Lamont Jordan are inactive for the Patriots in this game. I already knew that, but it allows me to show you the funniest video from last season.

She must have had that Viagara tune humming in her head. …How that makes any sense, I’m not quite sure.

8:25 The sorriest QB in the league, Phillip Rivers tosses a long pass to Vincent Jackson. Al Michaels basques in his self-obsessed announcer voice as he calls the play.

8:27 Jerod Mayo stuffs LaDainian Tomlinson on a run play. Somewhere Darth Vader sheds a tear.

8:31 Rivers throws it out of the back of end zone, because he can’t find the open receiver. They’ll kick the field goal with Nick Kaeding, the chinless wonder. Darth Vader is still crying, because I’m referencing the one in that last of the old new movies, if that makes sense. Just click on the link and you’ll know.
Chargers 3 Patriots 0

8:37 Matt Cassel hits Welker for a 9-yard pass. Great. Awesome. Let’s go Moss. Do something with your life.

8:40 Cassel runs for a first down, Bledsoe style. Get your arm ready, Kevin O’Connell.

8:43 The drive slows, and Stephen Gostkowski misses a field goal wide left.
Chargers 3 Patriots 0

8:46 Kraemer tells us that Jarvis Green and Ellis Hobbs are both in the locker room with leg injuries. Great. There goes the season for Hobbs. Sure, he may return and play. But he is only at his best when fully healthy.

8:47 For the love of… Rivers short arm throws a bomb to Malcolm Floyd, beating Deltha O’Neal for a touchdown. This is the second time O’Neal has been beat deep. I’m no football player, but letting receivers get behind you can’t be the game plan. It’s Floyd’s first catch of the season.
Chargers 10 Patriots 0

8:51 NBC runs the obligatory “Matt Cassel is a career backup, even his amateur career” animation. Then Michaels compares Cassel’s career to a backup to the Three Tenors. I’m lost. Did they all date Gisele or something?

8:55 The Patriots punt, but Chris Hanson is run into. Also, Nick Kazcur is taken off the field. I would make a joke, but there is nothing funny about drug abuse.

Hanson’s redo (the penalty moved it up to 4th & 2) is returned by Darren Sproles, but he gets tackled by Hanson in the open field. John Madden says that a good punt returner should never get tackled in the open field by the punter. Is he making fun of Sproles? Alright, Madden! Bravo.

8:59 Tomlinson gains 12 before being tackled by Brandon Merriweather, who then whispers something in his ear. Probably had to do with stomping and LDT’s face. Just a guess.

9:02 No Chin’s field goal try hits off the upright and is no good. Madden says Kaeding looked awkward. He’s full of it tonight.

9:03 Moss catches a pass off a screen and turns it into a 9-yard gain. Take that “I Facebookd You MOM“.

9:08 Cassel gets brought down, as he doesn’t feel the pressure closing around him. A certain sports guy at NECN, initials MG, sends me a note reading: CASSEL HAS NO INNER CLOCK. Couldn’t have put it better myself. Otherwise I would have done so already. The Pats are forced to punt again.

9:13 Rivers tests Hobbs deep, and Ellis breaks up the pass. He is easily my favorite defensive back on the Pats. Guess who’s sorry now, Phillip?

9:19 Cassel goes for Moss down the sidelines, who tries to reel in the catch one-handed. It looks like he has it, but it gets knocked away. It also appears that he was hit before touching the ball. But, per NFL rules, the Patriots are not to win a pass interference call unless a New England player is pantsed. Because that would be indecent.

9:21 New England settles for a field goal. Woopeee.
Chargers 10 Patriots 3

9:28 I am convinced that Nike got hold of a copy of my 2007 NE Patriots “Showdown With Perfection” musical montage piece, because they use the same song for the LDT commercial we’ve seen twice so far this game. Ennio Morricone’s Ecstasy of Gold, from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

Just remember, I used it first.

9:32 Ok. I’ve tried not to complain. I’ve tried to take the Mike Timlin route, but this has gone far enough. Sproles returns a punt, and with the Pats gunner right in his face, two Chargers block him in the back. Not one, but two. All I’m asking for is one flag on the play, but I get nothing. Instead the Pats get called for a facemask. And Welker is nickle and diming “FeedingMyFamily” to death. Time to just start dropping bombs to Moss. Do it, McDaniels. Do it.

9:40 Jackson catches a touchdown, all alone in the end zone. I hate Phillip Rivers, I really do. If Drew Brees were still quarterbacking this team, I’d have no problem losing. But Rivers is a jerk. The same can’t be said about the Chargers Cheerleaders, though. Hello!
Chargers 17 Patriots 3

9:42 Seriously, Cassel has no feeling for time. He stood in the pocket for like, 5 seconds, and still didn’t think about throwing the ball. Instead it was fumbled and recovered by an offensive lineman. Maybe he’s afraid to throw an interception. But this is almost worse. I’m sure it’s frustrating for Moss to run route after route and not even have a shot at catching a pass.

HALFTIME
Statistics you might want to take a look at:

Cassel: 8-13, 55 yards, 61.5%, 4.2 avg., 3 sacks

Sammy Morris: 8 rushes, 25 yards, 3.1 avg.

Welker: 4 rec, 22 yards

Moss: 1 rec, 6 yards

Tomlinson: 10 rushes, 33 yards

Pats Defense: 0 sacks, 0 INT, 2 passes defensed

Second Half

10:00 Or as I like to call it: “Bombing it to Moss on Every Play” time. …So far that game plan has not been enacted, at least not on the first play from scrimmage.

10:03 Randall Moss with a first down reception. haHA. …Damn. That is followed up with a catch by Welker. Two can play, eh?

10:04 Moss has the defender beat to the end zone, and Cassel doesn’t get it even close to him. He seems more interested in rushing for first downs. MY FANTASY TEAM DOESN’T CARE ABOUT THAT! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, what I said was… …I can’t even link to that South Park clip.  It’s that bad.

10:06 Awesome play by Sammy Morris to get down to the goal line. And on first down, Cassel pulls of a great play fake, except the Chargers don’t bite. But he had me fooled.

10:07 Wow. The Pats go for it on 4th down. Cassel pulls it down and tries to run, except the San Diego defense is standing in the way. Season over. I mean, turnover on downs…

10:11 No. I was right. Season over. Rivers just hit Jackson in stride from his own end zone. Roughly a 65-yard gain. Pats looking at a Top 15 pick, anyone?

10:13 Pass interference in the end zone whistled on Hobbs. These refs have no mercy.

10:17 Touchdown pass to Antonio Gates. I hope they’re real proud of themselves. My bet is that Rivers goes home and brags that he finally beat the Patriots.
Chargers 24 Patriots 3

10:20 Interception by Quentin Jammer on a misfire by Cassel. He cannot be the quarterback come next Sunday. This is embarrassing.

10:28 The Chargers kick a field goal. At this point last season, Belichick would’ve been going for it on fourth down to give the defense a chance to stop them. I’m not sure I’d want San Diego to do that at this point.
Chargers 27 Patriots 3

10:35 WEAK! O’Neal called for illegal hands when Jackson runs an out route. Rivers’ pass was not even close, would not have been close, and so on. I’m tired of these refs. And I really want and Awful Awful from Newport Creamery. Chocolate.

10:42 I think BB is not happy with the penalties either.

10:47 Another field goal for SD. At this point I’m basically giving you score updates. What can I say? I’m a sore loser.
Chargers 30 Patriots 3

10:58 Chargers fans are booing because they didn’t get a fumble call to go their way, when they’re already up 27 points. Michaels tries to justify it by explaining the Ed Hoculi call blah, blah, blah. Forget it Al. San Diego is good for one thing and one things only — hot chicks.

11:05 Madden is criticizing BB for the offensive play calling late in the game. He hints at the team giving up the educational experience for Cassel. It sounds like he wants to hit the sidelines again. The Raiders need a coach…

11:09 Sammy Morris scores on a 1-yard rush. Yay. I’m out of here. Going home to get some sleep before heading back in to NECN World Headquarters for tomorrow night’s Game 3 of the ALCS.

Patriots lose 156-10