I Can Think of 10 Better

Posted by Adam Hart September 5, 2008 at 3:56 am

…Names for the new Oklahoma City “Thunder”. Not 10 better looking women than Marisa Miller. That would be a list of lies.

This story has reached its horrible climax. The Seattle SuperSonics are now the OKC Thunder:

Well, that announcement ceremony had all the excitement of a local tax symposium. Actually, nevermind. Tax talk can be somewhat entertaining, if at all brainwashy. Anyway, here are 10 nicknames and logos that would make this OKC team seem less WNBA:

Oklahoma City Red People
According to the most knowledgeable website in the world, Wikipedia:

The state’s name is derived from the Choctaw words okla and humma, meaning “red people”.

Maybe this would be seen as a “racist” name — something the Native Americans wouldn’t be all that keen on. Plus the name is redundant. Still, at least Red People sounds scarier than Noisy Storm System. Nowadays, people don’t even think of that term as slang for Native Americans anyway. It’s more like something you’d imagine as the effect of an Andromeda Strain or a gross STD. “Millions are already infected. Are you one of the Red People?”

The STD tilt is the best way to go, when talking about marketing a team. Their slogan would be great: “There’s No Hiding From The Clap!“… That would open the door for their own special team applause, like the Gator Chomp — only sexier. If celebrating an STD can be sexy.
LOGO:

That’s some scary stuff. It might even make Kevin Garnett — the most intense player in the league — blink… Nah. But Pau Gasol would pee his pants.

Oklahoma City Whalers
Being the owner of a professional sports team is all about marketing. Plus, it’s never a bad idea to get on the good side of local politicians. How can one do that, you ask? Follow along:

JOHNNY SPORTSFAN: “The Oklahoma City Whalers? I never knew they had a bunch of Captain Ahab’s out in Oklahoma. That must be one amazing fishing port… Wait a second… As I consult my United States Map, I realize that Oklahoma is nowhere near the ocean. At least I now know the location of that state, since it is historically very forgettable. But not any longer — not since they have such an uncommon nickname, considering their location. I plan on visiting that state to see some great Whalers basketball, and the corn that is as high as an elephant’s eye.”

Then Johnny Sportsfan breaks into song and everything is right in the world. You’ve just gained at least one tourist for your state, which will reflect positively on your organization when you beg for a new, state funded stadium. Hey, it’s more believable than someone actually traveling to Oklahoma to watch the “Thunder” play. Plus, the OKC Whalers can bring back the brass bonanza. It’s tied for the greatest theme song in sports with that of John Cena.
LOGO:

Love the color scheme here. The red eye makes it look rabid. That’s what we want. A logo the players can draw intensity from. Thunder is invisible. So the best the artists could do was a basketball inside a shield. Oooo. I’m shaking in my boots. At least the Whalers give the artists something to work with. They can get creative, like adding rabies into the equation. Don’t know what that yellow stuff is coming out the blowhole, but I would expect the team to plan to do that on the competition.

Oklahoma City TBones
Killing two birds with one awesome stone here. The name highlights the Oklahoma cattle industry, and the most famous Oklahoman of them all — T. Boone Pickens. The financial windfall would be enormous, since Pickens looooves donating to Oklahoma sports. The official pronunciation of the nickname would sound just like how Dr. Evil says “bone”. It’s a hybrid meeting halfway between “bone” and “Boone”.

LOGO:

Yup, that’s the piece of meat. Or is it T. Bone Pickens’ enormously generous heart? A little ambiguity can be a good thing. Just look at VaTech. They can explain it all they want, but I still don’t understand what a Hokie is. And that’s a good thing. It adds to their mystique.

Oklahoma City Dunksmen
This incarnation would put aside the will to win for the will to… DUNK! A collection of former dunk contest winners would make up the most entertaining losers in the NBA. Gerald Green, Desmond Mason, Vince Carter (hates winning), Nate Robinson (career loser), and Brent Barry. Not a bad starting 5. Think about it:

Yeah, I can tell your thoughts are filled with dunkrific basketball. Call up Bennett. We got a keeper. The Dunksmen.
LOGO:

But those are giiiirrrrlllllls. Yeah, of course they’re girls. What would you rather have on your jersey? A grind train of dudes getting dunked over? Thanks for playing. Next.

Oklahoma City Texts
Who is Oklahoma U’s most famous former basketball coach? That’s right, Kelvin Sampson. The man known for the most illegal text messaging outside of an episode of Law & Order SVU. Even though he works for the Milwaukee Bucks now, why can’t OKC use his wrongs for their own good? It’s crazy enough that it just might work. Plus, it leaves open the possibility for sports anchors to stumble on the name in a Freudian manner, “accidentally” saying a slang term for a part of the female upper body instead. All signs point to “Yes” on the OKC Texts.
LOGO:

I understand the logo features Sampson making a phone call, not texting. But the good people at Boilersports.com (now defunct?) already crafted a pretty good pic, and I can’t do all the work. I mean, I like doing work. Just, sometimes it’s nice to take some of the weight off my shoulders. Listen, I told you people that I like doing work, this just made it easier! Don’t you people understand that?! What the hell is wrong with you people?!?!

Oklahoma City Thieves
If you don’t understand the reasoning behind this one, then you should not be reading this post. I understand your obsession with my writing and ruggedly posed good looks, but please. Just go back and do some Wikiresearch on the move to Oklahoma City, then you can continue reading. It’s for the best. Oh yeah, and does the color scheme on those money bags seem familiar?

Both accurate and a potential jersey seller. The face is shaded almost like that of Minnesota’s Timberwolf. Whatever, they’re the Thieves. They’re allowed to steal some logo design…

Oklahoma City Sideways Foam Finger
It’s the shape of the state. Can’t beat that in terms of building state pride, right Oklahomans? Nobody messes with the Sideways Foam Finger!

Did you hear me? I said NOBODY!

Oklahoma City Crocketts
That’s right. Crocketts. As in Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier — pride of Tennessee. Don’t look at me like I’m crazy. Bennett stole an entire team from another city, who’s to say he wouldn’t steal another state’s hero? Plus, they could let Disney do a movie about an old school Davy Crockett coming back from the dead and leading a ragtag basketball team to the league championship. Hey, it worked for the the Mighty Ducks. Well, not the zombie part.

Yes. Those are flames left in the Crocketts’ wake. And the opposition is in that cabin, defenseless against the destruction. See, that’s the type of fear I’m talking about. Thunder doesn’t scare anyone but my 12 year old cousin. But the Crocketts show no mercy.

Another option would be to go an entirely different route, and play off of Sonny Crockett from Miami Vice. Either way, the name sounds sharp.

Oklahoma City Durant
I know, I know. Americans hate singular nicknames for sports teams. That’s why Red Bull New York immediately turned into the New York Red Bulls. It seemed backwards to everyone to have the nickname first. Even though Red Bull New York has more of a classy, intimidating tone than New York Red Bulls, which sounds like the nickname Billy Madison would have come up with in kindergarten. Anyway, Kevin Durant should be the face of this team forever. If I were Mr. Bennett, I would simply work out a lifetime deal for Durant, sort of like the one Fidel Castro worked out with the Cuban people. Don’t fight la revolution. It’s here to stay.

LOGO:

I think it fits in with the vibe we’re going for:

I can see no way in which this could turn out bad.

Oklahoma City Toasters
As in the Sonic fast food sandwich. …What?

Well, at least that hamburger guy in the logo thinks it’s something to dance about. You’d come around to it once the team added Josh Howard and rookies Mario Chamlers and Darrell Arthur. Perfect fits…

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Okay. That’s ten. And just in case you are left unsatisfied. Here’s some more Marisa Miller. What can I say, I’m generous.