Adjusted (Totally Biased) U.S. Medal Count

Posted by Adam Hart August 21, 2008 at 8:57 pm

We have all heard the phrase “games are won on the field, not on paper”. This has never rung more true than during these current Olympics. The United States has slipped in some events, and some other factors have come in to play. As of this posting, the medal count is led by America over host country China. But the Chinese are dominating in the Gold medal category. I’m here to adjust the medal count the way it should be — in a best-case-scenario favored toward the United States. WARNING: This post is for entertainment purposes only. Wouldn’t want anyone getting bent out of shape over hyperbole and not-funny jokes. This is not meant to be a hardcore examination of the medal count, but more of a “what if”. I’ll leave the serious analysis to Bela Karolyi.

Current, Accurate Medal Count

United States: 95 Total — 29 Gold, 34 Silver, 32 Bronze

China: 83 Total — 46 Gold, 15 Silver, 22 Bronze

Nice. We’re beating China in the category of “finishing in 2nd and 3rd place”. Dominating them, in fact. How special. But we’re America. We love gold. Or is that the Netherlands? Regardless, we could have more of the shiny stuff — bronze, gold or silver.

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Here are the medals we should have and China should not have. The new totals will be featured at the end. Read along:

Alicia Sacramone, Gymnastics Ind. Vault
It’s not what you’re thinking. Because some guy who used to do gymnastics explained how the Team Final silver finish was not her fault. That result will not be contested. But her individual final in the Vault was deserving of better than 4th place. Bronze medalist Cheng Fei landed on her knees (4:00 mark) on her second vault. If you can tell me that Fei’s busted landing is more deserving of a bronze than Sacramone’s vaults, then I will be asking to see your Chinese citizenship card, please. Another method for determining your standing as a Chinese National would be to ask how many children you have. But that would be a bit personal, and probably rude under the circumstances.
Adjusted U.S. Medals: +1 Bronze, -1 Bronze for China

Nastia Liukin, Gymnastics Ind. Uneven Bars
In some cockamamy tiebreak system, Liukin was issued silver in this event despite earning the same exact score as He Kexin of China. Yes, He is a girl. It came down to the 2nd tiebreak, which averages the 3 lowest of the B score deductions. Liukin lost this tiebreak by .33 of a point. If it were up to me, the girl who won the all-around gold, in this case Liukin, would win the tiebreak no matter the mathematics. But I am biased. Still, Liukin should have a 2nd gold. I know her Fahza was disappointed in the new tiebreak system, since he simply shared the gold with his teammate under the same circumstances back in his days as an Olympic gymnast for the USSR. They should have just called this spade a spade and awarded He the gold on the tiebreak of “home field advantage”.
Adjusted U.S. Medals: +1 Gold, -1 Gold for China (+1 Silver)

Paul Hamm, Gymnastics Ind. All-Around
The anchor of the US Men’s Gymnastics team, Hamm was forced out of the Beijing Games due to injuries to his hand and shoulder. His brother Morgan also missed these 2008 Games due to injury. Paul won gold in the Individual All-Around in Athens and led his team to a silver finish as well in the Team All-Around. Transfer a 1st place finish in the floor portion of individual all-around to the Event Final, and his absence is heavily felt in Beijing.
Adjusted U.S. Medals: +2 Gold, +1 Silver, -1 Bronze (Team placing)

Lolo Jones, 100m Hurdles
This one breaks my heart. Mainly due to my “Olympic-sized crush” on Ms. Jones.

Poor Lolo. Leading the pack, she clipped the 2nd-to-last hurdle and dropped down to 7th place. After crawling into a ball in front of the thousands in attendance, Lolo proceeded to duck into the tunnel underneath the Birds Nest and stand leaning against the wall, with no one to console her. I could have consoled her. It would have been a scene fit for a movie — a pg-13 rated movie, you sicko. Instead of providing NBC with a magical moment, I was on the other side of the globe curtailing my bedtime for a chance to watch Lolo in action. Frustrating.

Anyway, had Lolo taken 1st in this race, the U.S. would have won silver and gold, with Dawn Harper being bumped down to silver.
Adjusted U.S. Medals: +1 Silver

Tyson Gay, Track 100m
Talk about disappointing. Gay didn’t even qualify for the finals. Instead he sat on the sideline and watched Usain Bolt break the world record with ease.

In U.S. Olympic Qualifying, Gay ran a wind aided 9.68 in the 100m. In this final race, where Bolt coasted to victory, the Jamaican ran a 9.69 non-wind aided. The safe bet is that Gay would have placed 2nd had he ran in this final heat.

Also take into account that Gay was a part of that botched baton pass on the 4×100m relay team, and this really turns into a disappointing performance for him. The women’s team suffered the same fate, with neither reaching the finals. Both were considered contenders for the gold in this event.
Adjusted U.S. Medals: +1 Silver, -1 Bronze, +2 Gold

Deena Kastor, Marathon
Deena won the Boston qualifying for the Olympics with a time of 2 hours, 29 minutes, 35 seconds. She did not finish the Olympic race, breaking her foot along the route. Romania’s Constantina Tomescu won the race with a time of 2 hours, 26 minutes, 44 seconds. Zhou Chunxiu of China placed third with a time of 2 hours, 27 minutes, 7 seconds. No doubt Deena would have taken the Bronze in this race. She’s a workhorse. But she can’t be asked to battle both the Beijing air and a broken foot.
Adjusted U.S. Medals: +1 Bronze, -1 Bronze for China

USA Softball, Softball
I’m not one for conspiracy theories. So let’s just say that USA Softball actually lost to Japan fair and square in the last time this event will be a part of the Games. There is only one thing to say: this was not supposed to happen. This is like the Patriots losing to the Giants in that Super Bowl people seem to think was real. It defies logic.
Adjusted U.S. Medals: +1 Gold, -1 Silver

Ian Crocker, 100m Butterfly
.01 …That’s what stood between Crocker and a bronze medal in this event. Of course, had Michael Phelps not been so greedy, Bronze would have been a lock for Crocker. But Olympic medals are not gifts, even though I’m handing them out like I’m Montgomery Brewster. Crocker needed to put .01 seconds worth of effort more into this race.
Adjusted U.S. Medals: +1 Bronze

Boo Boo Andrade, Boxing
The Providence, RI native got hosed. At least that’s the consensus among USA Boxing. And I believe them. There is no way the reigning world welterweight champion lost to a South Korean. No way, no how. And how could the judges not reverse their decision after seeing Boo Boo’s reaction? Soulless jerks. Clearly not Seoul-less. Get it?
Adjusted U.S. Medals: +1 Gold

US Men’s Handball, Team Handball
Did not qualify for the Olympics. This sport will soon gain momentum in the States. Be prepared, World.
Adjusted U.S. Medals: No Change, but we would have made a good showing

US Women’s Water Polo, Water Polo
I’m not much of a Water Polo guy, but it seems like a 9-8 loss is a close one. Perhaps the women could have squeezed out a victory for a spot in the Gold medal game. Perhaps not. Still, the medal was in their sight and now they settle for bronze or nothing.
Adjusted U.S. Medals: +1 Silver

Venus & Serena, Women’s Singles Tennis
Watching Elena Dementieva play tennis may be enjoyable, but there is no reason one of the Williams sisters shouldn’t have won the gold. In fact, they should have gone 1-2. For shame. I mean, their gold in the women’s doubles is nice, but China earned the bronze in that event. That puts us even in the overall Women’s Tennis medal count.
Adjusted U.S. Medals: +1 Gold, +1 Silver

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Overall Adjusted, Biased Medal Count (Hopefully my arithmetic is spot on)

United States: 108 Total, 37 Gold, 38 Silver, 33 Bronze
China: 80 Total, 45 Gold, 15 Silver, 20 Gold

The United States still has a chance for Gold in Men’s & Women’s Basketball, Men’s & Women’s Volleyball, Men’s Beach Volleyball, Baseball, Men’s Water Polo, and maybe some other events I have yet to take into account. Best case scenario, that would put the U.S. at 44 Gold medals with this adjusted medal count, and only 1 behind the Chinese. In real life, these added events only puts the United States at 36 (as of this post). These Olympics had the chance to feature an olde fashioned gold medal shootout. Instead, the Chinese are pulling away. But I guess that’s what the host country is supposed to do. ……………Wait one second. When was the last time America accepted that type of excuse? Lord knows George Washington didn’t (beware of foul language). I think we’ve gone soft. Mental errors have infected Team USA like a bad case of mono. It may be time to think about taking a new approach to training for the London Games in 2012.

Yeah! Get the blood flowing. That’s more like it. With this type of coaching, we could double the gold medals of the nearest competitor in 2012. Let’s make it happen, Juicebox.

THE END.

If you’re more of a “facts” person who enjoys “the way things really are”, then here is the updated official medal count. Oh, and enjoy reading the Wall Street Journal and doing your taxes.