A Plethora of Options

Posted by Adam Hart September 23, 2008 at 2:09 am

Okay, Pats fans. Now that the team stinks, you’ll be needing something with which to fill those 3 hours on Sunday afternoons. Never fear, I’ve got a plethora of options for you to test out during this Bye Week. Seriously, a plethora.

Adopt A Dog
It’ll be a great pet. And you can occupy yourself by training it. Plus, they’re chick magnets. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Also, by ‘that sort of thing’, I mean dating girls. Not something horrible that you could be thinking.

Start A Band
I’m not asking you to learn how to play the guitar or anything. But there are ways to improvise. Like taking all those empty beer bottles leftover from your post Dolphins game binge and turning them into a musical instrument. All you have to do is blow on them, and you’ve got instant music! Hey, it’s better than doing yardwork:

Plus, it will cheer you up… Don’t worry, be happy.

Join A Gym
Start working out. Pumping some iron. Come on, you know you could use it. Look at yourself. The indent you leave on the couch cushions is detrimental to it’s longevity. Face it — you could stand to lose a few pounds. And it’s only your fault if you don’t hate yourself enough to do something about it. Who knows? Maybe you’ll run into a rehabbing Tom Brady.

Go Apple Picking
Not by yourself. With a girl. And it won’t be hard to find one — girls love apple picking. Probably because that particular fruit keeps the doctor away. Girls hate going to the lady-parts doctor. Sure, sure — being poked and prodded may sound fun at first. But eventually, that excitement wears off after being touched by those cold, clammy hands for a couple of minutes. In many ways it’s like going on a date with me, except I deliver zero medical benefits.

Be A Creep
Patronize a local Panera Bread. Buy a cookie or something, I don’t care what it is. And then just sit and stare at someone until the comfort level on their end drops into panic mode. This can be done solo, or with a partner. If paired up with a friend, I might suggest having that person act as the ‘normal’ one. That way he/she can apologize really loudly with an excuse that will make the subject of your staring feel really awkward. Like, you’re blind. Or that once you lock onto to someone, your stare cannot be broken without resulting in a fit of rage that will get innocent bystanders hurt.  It’s a good plan. And now is the time to get creative with your Sundays, before Brady ruins them by returning for the 2009 season.

Switch To NASCAR
Yeah, I said it. If you can’t find something constructive to do with your free time, switch over to another sport. I think there is some sort of Chase for some sort of Cup going on. So at least they’re driving around an oval with a purpose. And it gives you an excuse to watch Talladega Nights:

They rhyme; they’re both verbs.

Cheer On A Friend’s Team
Well, not actually cheering. More like, going over his house to watch the out-of-town game he payed good money for on DirectTV , and then dumping on his team. Yes, I saved the most menacing option for last.

Good examples would be friends who are fans of the:

Jets — Because Brett Favre left the only people who ever loved him for a team that lost to Matt Cassel.

Raiders — If that’s how their fans dress, they deserve it. …Spooky. And Al Davis is bound to do something crazy that you can pounce on.  Like hire a llama to replace Lane Kiffin as head coach.

Chargers — Anytime something goes wrong, you can do the dance Shawn Merriman is known for. It’ll be worth it  to see LDT cry again.

Panthers — For the chance to walk inside your friend’s house and coldcock him on the spot. It’s what Steve Smith would do.

Seahawks — There’s no such thing as Seahawks fans. I was only testing you.

Texans — Take the time to compliment your friend on the nice skylights featured in his ceiling. (Poor taste. Poor taste, right there.)

*The other option is to watch the game at his house, but instead of ragging on his team, just bring down the mood with subtly depressing remarks, such as:

– “I remember when Tom Brady used to throw touchdown passes like that (sad face).”

– “Maybe Brett Favre’s career is over, but everything must come to an end sometime. Like the Patriots run at greatness… I’ll be outside (emo face).”

– “Would you mind flipping the channel to check the score of the Pats game… Oh. How nice. At least they scored a touchdown this time (defeated face).”

– “I think next week I’m going apple picking with my girlfriend (I have nothing left to live for face).”

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For those Pats fans who take umbrage with my joking around about the team’s performance, take a listen to BB. Even he’s tossing some deadpan humor out there; something about the kicking game being competitive, which is code for “We sucked in every other area of the game.”